What Self-Trust Really Is (And What We Keep Getting Wrong About It)

We talk a lot about self-trust—but most people don’t actually know what it is.

Over the past year, in my research, my podcast interviews, the behind-the-scenes conversations with leaders, and the intimate coaching work I do with clients, I’ve noticed something striking:

Our culture treats self-trust like a finish line.
As if one day you’ll arrive at a place where you never hesitate, never question, never falter, and always do exactly what you said you’d do.

That is not self-trust.
That’s perfectionism with better branding.

At the same time, I hear another extreme:
Self-trust as sheer permissiveness—“I’ll just be gentle with myself,” conflating kindness with avoiding discomfort or abandoning follow-through.

That isn’t self-trust either.
That’s self-abandonment dressed up in self-care language.

The truth is somewhere far deeper—and far more human.

The Myth of Perfect Certainty

One of the biggest misconceptions I see (especially among high achievers, executives, and founders) is the belief that self-trust means:

• You never doubt yourself

• You never need reassurance

• You always execute flawlessly

• You rise above circumstance

• You never change your mind

• You stay strong and consistent no matter what

This definition sets you up to fail because it imagines a version of you who isn’t actually human.

And quietly, many leaders internalize those failures as personal flaws:

“If I trusted myself more, I wouldn’t be feeling this fear.”
“If I were stronger, I wouldn’t be second-guessing.”
“If I were more disciplined, I’d never wobble.”

But that’s not self-trust.
That’s tyranny.

The Myth of “Anything Goes”

The opposite myth also shows up often—especially in spaces that champion “ease” and “alignment”:

• I’ll only take action when it feels good

• I’ll wait for clarity to strike

• I’ll follow my intuition and ignore structure

• I’ll protect my energy by avoiding challenging decisions

Kindness becomes conflated with comfort.
Discernment becomes conflated with delay.
Self-trust becomes conflated with escape.

But self-trust isn’t telling yourself whatever you want to hear.
And it isn’t allowing every feeling to dictate your decisions.

That’s not self-support.
That’s self-erasure.

So Then… What Is Self-Trust?

After thousands of hours coaching entrepreneurs, leaders, and coaches, here is the simple definition I stand by:

Self-trust is creating a safe space within yourself—one where every thought, every feeling, and every truth is allowed without being weaponized against you.

Self-trust is not the absence of doubt.
Self-trust is the ability to experience doubt without collapsing.

Self-trust is not always doing what you say you’ll do.
It’s being radically honest about what you’re committed to, and then supporting yourself through the follow-through.

Self-trust is not emotional perfection.
It’s emotional permission.

Self-trust is the internal environment where you can:

• feel fear and still move,

• feel resistance and still choose,

• feel discomfort and still stay,

• feel desire and not shame yourself for wanting more,

• feel tired and take restorative action,

• feel uncertain and make the next best decision anyway.

Self-trust is the inner room where you are not above or below anyone—right-sized in the universe.

Fully human.
Fully responsible.
Fully held by yourself.

It’s not conditional.
It’s not transferable.
And it cannot be delegated.

It’s a choice you make daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes moment by moment.

The Radical Truth About Self-Trust

Here’s the part many people overlook:

Self-trust is the capacity to hear any internal or external voice—critical or encouraging—and not let it define you.

It’s being able to receive praise without spiraling into pressure.
It’s being able to hear criticism without collapsing into shame.
It’s being able to express your truth without performing for approval.

Self-trust is the safest room inside your own mind.
The one place you can ride every high, every low, and every in-between without abandoning yourself.

This is the work.
This is the practice.
This is the path to clarity, consistency, and decisive leadership.

And it’s available to you—today, right now—not when you become a different version of yourself, but when you choose to stop outsourcing your safety.

If you’re reading this, you’re already on the path.

Whether you’re building a business, leading a team, navigating a transition, or simply trying to make your next best move—self-trust isn’t something you earn.

It’s something you create.
And then recreate.
And keep choosing again.

Want help making that choice? Book a call and let’s talk about your next best move https://calendar.app.google/nrE5tAMb2o3M3J8z5